If you don't love Xabi Alonso, you can get the hell off our internet because you do not belong here!
He's the man every woman wants to be with and every man wants to be ... and be with a little bit.
https://twitter.com/SportsJOEdotie/status/821657936082731008
The perfect one is reportedly set to hang up his boots at the end of the season and we've been up all night thinking of ways to mark his retirement.
Here are 11 times that Xabi Alonso have made us shake our head and go 'I bloody love that Spaniard'.
1. Scoring from own half
This is something that a handful of players manage once in a footballing career. Not our Xabi! He's become notorious for his long range lobs when he sees a 'keeper stray off his line.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGkKwwwt0k0
He hasn't managed the amazing feat in a while now but that's not for lack of trying. He almost lofted this beauty home for Bayern Munich a couple of years ago.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OLtWuWsf60#t=13
2. He can pull off lederhosen like few could manage
The decision to wear lederhosen is a risky one to make and it seldom pays off. But Xabi rocks the German outfit with aplomb. We bow to him for that.
3. Alonso knows his music
Most people use Twitter to let their followers know what they're having for breakfast. Mr Alonso, however, uses it to tweet about the most amazing music that we've never heard of.
4. Xabi Alonso does what he wants
Alonso loves football so much that when his team scores, he is partial to jumping out of his seat, taking to the pitch and running down the touchline a la Mourinho. The Spaniard was suspended for the 2014 Champions League final after picking up a booking in the semi-final but, we mustn't forget, Alonso is going to celebrate regardless of where you seat him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBwiVJytRik
5. Platini faces the Xabi disdain
After above celebration, the former Liverpool playmaker was given a further suspension from UEFA and was unable to play in the European Super Cup final against Sevilla. After Real won that game, Alonso showed then-UEFA president Michel Platini exactly what he thought of the decision to forbid him to play.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYgTeoFNS90
6. GAAlonso
Xabier Alonso Olano arrived in Kells at 16 with just a few words of English and an inexplicable air of coolness. He stayed with the lucky Liam and Fidelma O'Brien who had no idea of the superstar their temporary tenant would blossom into. Speaking about his time in Meath, Alonso said: "I played Gaelic Football with some of the local boys. It was very fast, very tough. Maybe they should wear crash helmets."
7. A man possessed
When the man from Tolosa signed for Bayern Munich in 2014, the Bundesliga champions knew that they were acquiring a player who could boss the midfield with his passing and ball-retention skills. When Bayern played FC Koln in September of that year, the Spaniard smashed the record for touches of the ball in a Bundesliga game with 204, overtaking Tiago Alcantara's previous record of 177. That means that Alonso touched the ball, on average, once every 26 seconds. When he found out about the new record, Alonso was typically nonchalant. He said: "I wasn't counting, but it's nice to know." He completed 185 passes in that game (denoted by the blue lines below) which was more than the entire opposing team.
8. He's got a sense of humour! He's got it all.
Takes the piss out of Dirk Kuyt's hair because he's just one of the lads, like you or I... but better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR00iaw-60U
9. Alonso likes a drink as much as the rest of us
Alonso endears himself to us all by the fact that he's not afraid to take to the stage, looking like Pete Doherty on a bad day, and celebrate Spain's Euro 2012 victory like a trooper. What we wouldn't give to be Pepe Reina in this clip.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_ODZv5YgLA
10. You know yourself
https://twitter.com/ConanDoherty/status/612196806093631488
11. He can embarrass Zinedine Zidane
Alonso does not just play the quarter-back role on a football pitch when he collects the ball from deep and pings a diagonal 60 yards. He's also quick with his feet in the tackle which you can see by the way that he performs this no-look nutmeg on some slouch named Zinedine Zidane. Impressive no?
Happy retirement Xabi, give us a call for a pint! Seriously, we want that more than we want our next breath.
