Poor old Jose Mourinho.
Just imagine: you're an internationally renowned, multimillionaire football manager and you get a job managing one of the world's biggest clubs.
Great, right?
Well mostly. The only trouble is, Manchester is 150 miles away from your house in London. Jose could have opted to stay somewhere equidistant between London and Manchester like Birmingham (although maybe his Manchester United cone-tract insisted he lived in town?), but instead, he's staying in the top floor of the 5* luxury Lowry Hotel in Manchester.
Sounds nice, but the Portuguese has revealed that life in the hotel for him is "
a disaster".
His wife and children have stayed in London, leaving Jose to live the lonely Lowry life.
https://twitter.com/johnmoir87/status/791181293245562880
“For me it’s a bit of a disaster because I want sometimes to walk a little bit and I can’t," he said. "I just want to cross the bridge and go for a restaurant. I can’t, so it is really bad. Buy a house? I do not know, I do not know.
“But I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered, which I do sometimes. You know the history of the paparazzi, for the hotel... Everybody knows the name of the hotel."
Well don't worry, Jose. You're not the first man to be holed up in a hotel for months at a time, so we've consulted the world's leading expert and come up with these 11 top tips to help you survive. Textbook.
1. First off - and this surely goes without saying - get yourself a big plate. No brainer.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/578657444190109696
2. Make friends with the staff.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/586870702831177728
3. If you find it difficult to go outside because of the fans, find things to do in your room.
https://youtu.be/DZZFiGBX2CA
4. It's Halloween on Monday - why not try a light-hearted prank to bond with the staff?
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/584789965327982593
5. Again, if going out is hard, you can host a small get together for the staff and fellow guests in your room.
https://youtu.be/HRQzby9_NVo
6. After four months at the hotel, the staff will know you well by now. So don't overreact if you hear them taking part in some good natured joshing. Remember: you are not allowed to sack them.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/585836668579684353
7. You can always pop down to the bar for a quick drink.
https://youtu.be/yq0BITsiqQg
8. But don't overdo it.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/583967115994128384
9. Remember to call home to your wife regularly to let her know how you're getting on.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/580434965298544640
10. Always be respectful of the hotel's fixtures and fittings
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/578627782470737920
11. And when you do leave, remember to let the staff down gently.
https://twitter.com/partridge_vines/status/583541621423222784
