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20th January 2017
04:59pm GMT

"With the help of his childhood mate, Adam Chopra, Chris goes on a life-changing journey making many new friends and enemies in both worlds, including his love interest Ashley Queen. When Chris scores the goal of his career, he discovers his professional life and his health are now in danger. Chris uses his knowledge of football and team strategy to pit the Russians against the Algerian underworld and a plan is set in motion to repay the Russian Mafia everything they are owed. However the clock is ticking."
Why is the clock ticking?
Is it because it's only a matter of time before they discover Rose's birth cert and find out that he's been lying to them about being a wonderkid?
Is it because the supporting cast of at least two former Page Three models, the writer/director of the 2016 modern great Gangsters Gamblers Geezers and one of the stars of The Only Way is Essex just isn't enough to sustain the not short enough running time?
Is it because lines such as, "Well mate, you know what they say - a friend helps you move, but a true friend helps you move a dead body,' aren't going to give Aaron Sorkin any sleepless nights agonising over how he didn't manage to come up with anything that Shakespearian first?
You'll probably never find out, because after waching the horrendous shitshow of a trailer, you'll be eagerly anticipating this release like you would your next bout of the runs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=berbsfSoNRQ
That closing line...
"You two need to grow up! This is the Premiership!"A) it's called the Premier League now and b) he's 35! He should probably start thinking about his retirement plans.
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