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21st August 2021
04:58pm BST
Aston Villa
Unfortunately, Villa don't have a number 1, which is criminal. So they're going to struggle with no goalkeeper. Konsa also has to play in midfield because tradition dictates so. But the rest of the team isn't too offensive. Ollie Watkins can play out wide and McGinn will do a job as a narrow right-winger. Douglas Luiz might struggle in the air, though.
Brentford
Some key players have to drop out for Brentford, including their best two attackers in Bryan Mbeumo and Ivan Toney, as well as their defensive leader Pontus Jansson. They also suffer from the same fate as Arsenal and Brentford in having a defender in midfield and aa midfielder in defence. But we are playing this game by the traditional 4-4-2 numbers. I'm not changing it.
Brighton & Hove Albion
After Ben White's departure, Brighton's number 3 is currently vacant, meaning in this weird game that I'm increasingly beginning to question, they line up with nobody playing left-back and an actual left-back at centre-back. Again, they've got a defender in midfield, but the rest of the team is as close as you can reasonably hope for when it comes to balance and suitability.
Burnley
Scroll back up, we know what Burnley's looks like.
Chelsea
The only player who would really, really struggle in this side is Jorginho. And that serves him right for wearing number 5 in midfield. Antonio Rudiger isn't a full-back but is often dragged into wide areas when playing in a back three, and with Kanté in front of him, he'd have all the help he needed.
The front two in this XI is pretty terrifying too. A strong contender for the best side in this experiment.
Crystal Palace
NOBODY IS OUT OF POSITION. Not one player! I mean, it's not a great team, and maybe Eze is a bit high. But he can drop into the hole. This is the closest we've got to number perfection yet. It's beautiful.
Everton
It's that old midfield and defence issue again. When did we decide that the imported tradition of 6 in midfield trumped the number 4, which then got relegated to centre-back? It feels like it must have happened in the past five years. Definitely not pre-2010. Anyway, they don't have a left-back, so Allan and Gray are going to have their work cut out.
Leeds United
It feels like sacrilege to put a Marcelo Bielsa team into a 4-4-2 shape, but I'm in this far and I'm not stopping now, so here goes.
The defence is beautifully satisfying. At long last, another centre-back who wears number 6. Raphinha playing off Bamford would be a dangerous front 2, but they'd probably struggle in midfield with Adam Forshaw all on his own.
Leicester City
The defence is quite painful to look at. Why they didn't decide to give Fofana the 5 shirt and Bertrand the 3 when he arrived this summer, I do not understand. But here we are. No, I won't swap them over.
The rest of the team works pretty nicely. You'd trust Caglar Soyuncu to deputise in midfield in an injury crisis, and the front four is how they line up most weeks anyway.
Liverpool
Am I out of touch? No, it's the numbers that are wrong!
How does a club who have won the Premier League and the Champions League in recent years not have a number 2 or a number 3? That is unforgivable.
Manchester City
What's worse than a centre-back wearing number 4? You guessed it: a centre-back wearing number 3. Also, not having a number 4 at all. But even worse than that is how none of Manchester City's three goalkeepers wear number 1. None of them.
Manchester United
The funniest part of this line up is not Edinson Cavani playing out wide, or even Paul Pogba playing at centre-back. It's the fact that Phil Jones, ten years after joining the club, still has the number 4. He is reportedly so attached to this number, or determined to return to the first team set-up, that he refused to give it up for new signing Raphael Varane.
The less said about numbers 2 and 3 being given to centre-backs, the better.
Newcastle United
So close to perfection, if you can use that word to describe a team managed by Steve Bruce. It's so close, but a left-footed centre-back wearing number 2? Yuck.
Norwich City
There are less offensive teams in this piece, and there are more offensive teams. Much like real life Norwich City, it's just about fine, but it's definitely going down.
Southampton
After selling both Jannick Vestergaard and Ryan Bertrand to Leicester, Southampton's 3 and 4 shirts are now vacant. Everyone else is more or less in their right position, though. Except for Oriol Romeu, who is once again, breaking the 4/6 rule.
Tottenham Hotspur
There's a lot to like here. The full-backs, the wingers, a number 6... in defence! But That has largely been undone by Cristian Romero and Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg wearing the wrong numbers, and the absence of any number 9.
Watford
Other than the customary midfielder in defence crime, this team is near enough satisfactory when it comes to squad numbers. My only real gripe is the fact that both 3 and 11 are won by left-backs. Aleksandar Kolarov has a lot to answer for in making that acceptable.
West Ham United
Using only numbers between 1-11, West Ham can just about field a 7-a-side team, assuming Winston Reid is fit. Bin.
Wolves
Severely lacking in the middle of the park, having to field a left-back as a lone centre-back, this team would get ripped apart. Still, I suppose we should just be grateful Rui Patricio isn't wearing the number 11 in goal anymore...
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