Worse than fishwives.
If you're not familiar with the 18th Century stereotype, women who sold fish in the days of yore were lumped with something of an unfortunate reputation.
It was one of loud, foul-tongued blabbermouths who loved collecting other people's gossip and spreading it around to all and sundry.
Now that may seem horribly sexist by modern standards, but it is a term that has endured and is now used to refer to both men and women who exhibit such characteristics. And nowhere is it more relevant than on the internet amongst football fans. And you know exactly what we mean.
Just minutes after Manchester United had won their first major honour since Sir Alex Ferguson retired, in the shape of the FA Cup, news broke that Jose Mourinho would soon be confirmed as their next manager. The trophy etcher's tools had barely been put away.
For once, most everyone was in rare consensus - whatever your feelings about Louis van Gaal, wherever your allegiances lay, it was brutally unfair to cut short the Dutchman's ultimate moment of glory by leaking news of his replacement at the Old Trafford helm.
Few believe that United would be in better hands were Van Gaal to stay. He may have validated his appointment in his own eyes by securing what he calls a 'title', but the truth is that progress - and style of play - has stagnated in his sophomore season.
That said, he didn't deserve the indignity of unofficially losing his job in between collecting the cup and boarding the team coach.
The club are insistent that the leak did not originate from them, and there is little reason to doubt them. The media spin is pure Jorge Mendes.
As much as the breaking of the story was harsh on Van Gaal, it was something of a small mercy for the rest of us. The Machiavellian move has spared us from a tediously predictable next few days, full of gossip, conjecture and tedious internet bullshit.
We have been saved from the following inevitable shite:
- Glass-half empty United fans complaining that winning the FA Cup is a bad thing because Van Gaal may now keep his job;
- Other United fans complaining that those United fans aren't real United fans because they aren't celebrating a trophy win;
- Glass-half empty United fans complaining that it is these United fans that aren't real United fans because they don't care about the long-term future of the club;
- Rival fans mischievously stoking the fires by suggesting Van Gaal's job is now safe;
- United fans arguing about whether Mourinho, Giggs or X flavour-of-the-month manager would be the best replacement for Van Gaal;
- Rival fans scoffing over the very suggestion that X flavour-of-the-month manager would even consider going to United in their current state;
- 'In-the-know' Twitter accounts divulging information that they'd rather give out for free on social media than sell to various media outlets;
- People giving these 'ITK' accounts the attention they crave by either believing or mocking them;
- Certain journalists claiming that Mourinho is now in discussions with X club because 'United are dithering on a deal'
- Some United fans mocking the said journalist for regurgitating obvious agent spin;
- Other United fans taking the said journalist seriously and complaining about United 'dithering';
- Fans and media alike taking every word, body movement, facial expression and nervous tic from Van Gaal and/or Mourinho as definitely meaning something good, bad or indifferent.
At least now we are left with the alternative bullshit of Real Madrid and Barcelona fans arguing over who'll do better in Manchester out of former favourites Pep Guardiola and Mourinho, as well as rival fans warning United supporters to "say goodbye to your young players under Jose!"
Van Gaal could and should have been afforded a few more days of celebration after leading United to their first FA Cup win in 12 years, but his harsh treatment was not in vain. We are saved from modern-day 'fishwives' bickering and twittering...until Tuesday at least.
