God, it's great to be alive.

If you're working this weekend, phone in sick. If you have an other half demanding attention, dump them. Saturday and Sunday are set to be the two greatest sofa days since the inception of sport - not even sofas. And nothing should stand in your way. There's so much going on that it's not even funny and, unfortunately, it's also impossible to plan your days around all of it but here's a guide to our highlights that might just help you get some organisation around this dream of a weekend.

SATURDAY

5.30am - 8.30am Hawthorn v West Coast Eagles AFL Grand Final BT Sport 1 If you fancy getting up early, a bit of full-blooded showpiece action from Down Under from the comfort of your own bed will keep you occupied. Alternatively, you can just watch the game at 3.30pm on the same channel. 10am - 12pm Soccer AM Sky 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaZh9C8Q4sg THAT Ryan McBride challenge will feature on Soccer AM as the panel discuss whether the Derry City mincer is indeed the hardest man in football. 12pm Soccer Saturday Sky Sports News Just because. 12.45pm - 2.45pm Crystal Palace v West Bromwich Albion Premier League BT Sport 1 Tony Pulis trying to ruin the game as a contest, Alan Pardew trying to make it all about him. 2.30pm - 4.30pm Samoa v Japan Rugby World Cup TV3 We all still love Japan, right? 3pm - 5pm Manchester City v Newcastle United Premier League Setanta Sports 1 5-0, 4-0, 4-0: the last three meetings between City and Newcastle. So... are we all making Aguero our Fantasy Football captain then? 4.45pm - 6.45pm South Africa v Scotland Rugby World Cup TV3 This is a vital clash in Pool B thanks to Japan-gate. 5.30pm - 7.30pm Chelsea v Southampton Premier League Sky Sports 1 Jose Mourinho's men sit 14th in the league and the entire world will be lining up in hope of another kick to the Blues' stomach while they're still down. 8pm - 10pm England v Australia Rugby World Cup TV3 Expect fireworks. The biggest game of the tournament since the Wales clash - only bigger. England host the Aussies at Twickenham and it's as simple as this: win, or you're out. 10.05pm - 11.05pm The Ultimate Fighter Setanta Ireland Team Europe v Team USA, with added McGregor. 10.30pm - 11.55pm Match of the Day BBC One If your team lost, there are Rugby World Cup highlights on TV3 and a countdown to UFC 192 on 3e.

SUNDAY

1am - 6am UFC 192 BT Sport 2 Daniel Cormier puts his light heavyweight title on the line against Alexander Gustafsson. Joseph Benavidez and Ali Bagautinov top the prelims in the flyweight division. 12.45pm Alfred Dunhill Links Championship Sky Sports 4 Paul Dunne is on the march so make sure to check in on his progress through the last round on Sunday. 1.30pm - 3.30pm Everton v Liverpool Premier League Sky Sports 1 One point separates the neighbours ahead of what is sure to be an intense battle in Goodison Park with Brendan Rodgers under serious pressure to deliver a result. 1.30pm - 3.30pm Ajax v PSV Eindhoven Eredivisie Sky Sports 3 If you couldn't be bothered with an English derby on Merseyside, this is hardly a bad alternative, is it? 2pm - 4pm Bray Wanderers v Cork City FAI Cup semi final RTÉ 2 There can be only one. 2.30pm - 4.30pm Argentina v Tonga Rugby World Cup TV3 Before the Ireland clash, run the rule over our potential quarter final opponents (hopefully anyway). 3pm - 5pm Slaughtneil v Eoghan Rua Derry SFC final TG4 All-Ireland finalists Slaughtneil take on 2010 Derry champions Coleraine in the Oak Leaf county's showpiece. Patsy Bradley is playing so expect pain. A lot of it. 4pm - 6pm Arsenal v Manchester United Premier League Sky Sports 1 Let's just see where both of these teams really are. 4.30pm - 6.30pm Bayern Munich v Borussia Dortmund La Liga BT Sport Europe Jesus, it does keep getting better. 4.45pm - 6.45pm Ireland v Italy Rugby World Cup TV3 Come on! 6pm Live NFL Redzone Sky Sports 4 Sunday night NFL is back in our lives and you have the option of two games on Sky Sports 2 (Chiefs v Bengals at 5.30pm and Rams v Cardinals at 9.15pm). You can watch them if you want or you can just watch all the important action - without the cheerleaders, granted - from all over America as it happens on Redzone. 7pm World Grand Prix (Dublin) Sky Sports 3 Let's play darts! Some of the finest throwers and characters descend on the Irish capital and start a week of competition on Sunday night. 7.30pm - 9.30pm Atletico Madrid v Real Madrid La Liga Sky Sports 1 Carlo Ancelotti didn't particularly enjoy this fixture but Rafa Benitez loves a good challenge and he'll certainly get one across the city. 8pm - 10pm PSG v Marseille Ligue 1 BT Sport 2 Give Bentiez and Simeone half an hour and, when you realise that neither manager is particularly interested on attacking in such a big game, switch over to France and unwind if you can. 10.30pm - 11.45pm Match of the Day 2 BBC One You know it's a big day when Match of the Day 2 is on BBC One.