Sofa. TV. Takeaway. All you'll be doing this weekend is lying around watching sport.

And, in fact, the only decision you have to make is when you're turning the channel because there's too much overlap in a chaotic two-day schedule that you can enjoy from the comfort of your own home. From the Premier League returning, some tasty rugby clashes, the golf, the fighting and mouthwatering GAA clashes all weekend, pray for rain because you don't want to be leaving the house.

SATURDAY

11am - 1pm Australia v New Zealand Rugby Championship decider Sky Sports 3 Wake up and watch the old enemies go to war from the safety of your own bed. The pair clash in the Rugby Championship decider in Sydney and, a month out from the World Cup, it is a chance to run your eye over two of Ireland's biggest contenders. 11am - 11.03am England v Australia The Ashes Sky Sports 2 Three wickets will win the ashes for England in the fourth test. If it's anything like the way it has been going, they'll have a wicket a minute and the title wrapped up nice and early. 12pm Soccer Saturday Sky Sports News Jeff is back. 12.30pm - 2-30pm Leeds United v Burnley The Championship Sky Sports 1 Burnley are back in The Championship and they're going to be given an acid test at Elland Road. We love Sean Dyche so we're going to allow ourselves 15 minutes to ease into the return of the football before attention switches to Old Trafford. 12.45pm - 2.45pm Manchester United v Tottenham Hotspur Premier League BT Sport 1 Louis van Gaal puts his De Gea-less outfit out for the first game of the season against a Spurs side with a pretty underwhelming transfer window behind them. 2pm - 3.45pm Wales v Ireland International Rugby Friendly BBC Wales You can't watch this on your Sky box. If only it was being streamed somewhere online. We're saying nothing. 3pm - 5pm Bournemouth v Aston Villa Premier League Setanta Sports 1 No Benteke, no Delph, f**ks given by Tim Sherwood. Aston Villa's manager gets his first full season in charge of any team underway away to the side that are going to be everyone's second favourite this year. 4pm - 6pm Monaghan v Tyrone All-Ireland SFC quarter final Sky Sports 5 There'll be no more bad games in the championship, we promise you. The two Ulster rivals get the business end of the football season going at Croke Park. 5.30pm - 7.30pm Chelsea v Swansea Premier League Sky Sports 1 The champions kick-start their defence. Everyone will be rooting for the Welsh side. 6pm - 8pm Donegal v Mayo All-Ireland SFC quarter final Sky Sports 5 Two of the supposed elite four clash in the last eight. The last two times they met in the championship, Donegal won the Sam and then Mayo hammered them. Expect fireworks. 10.20pm - 11.40pm Match of the Day BBC One Only your team winning could let you put up with this nonsense.

SUNDAY

3am - 6.30am Glover Texeira v Ovice Saint Preux UFC Fight Night Nashville BT Sport 1 If you really don't need any sleep, the prelims start at 1am. 12pm - 1.30pm Preston North End v Middlesbrough The Championship Sky Sports 5 The playoff losers start all all over again. This time with added Downing. 12.30pm - 2.30pm Partick Thistle v Celtic Scottish Premier League BT Sport 1 The big one. 1.30pm - 3.30pm Arsenal v West Ham United Premier League Sky Sports 1 Genuine contenders? Let's just see. 1.30pm - 3.30pm Kilkenny v Galway All-Ireland MHC semi final TG4 If you don't like those bloody foreign sports, watch the young guns get the action underway at Croker. 3.30pm - 5.30pm Kilkenny v Waterford All-Ireland SHC semi final RTÉ 2 Nothing beat being there. But lying on your sofa with a bag of Doritos runs it pretty close. 4pm - 6pm Stoke City v Liverpool Premier League Sky Sports 1 Let's keep it below six, lads. 5pm - 11pm WGC Bridgestone Sky Sports 4 Graeme McDowell is chasing a title heading into the US PGA. Who doesn't have time for a bit of golf on a Sunday evening? 9pm - 11pm LA Galaxy v Seattle Sounders MLS Sky Sports 1 Finally, we get to watch Robbie Keane and Steven Gerrard at a reasonable hour. 9.30pm - 11.2opm The Sunday Game RTÉ 2 Relive the weekend's GAA action through the eyes of someone who is sure to have seen it completely differently. 10.30pm - 11.40pm Match of the Day 2 BBC Two If you missed Brendan Rodgers' post match interview, he's sure to be character-ing and intensity-ing like his life depended on BBC's recap of the weekend.