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12th April 2017
05:38pm BST

3. The one shaking the head non-stop
The team's being named in the changing room and there's an unfamiliar figure on the starting 15. It's clear you're not going to be picked now so you spend the rest of the announcement shaking your head in disgust and rolling your eyes.
4. The one who just goes home
F**k this. You didn't come here to sit on the bench.
5. The one who gets needlessly aggressive
Absolutely hammering into players during the warm-up, fists closed, studs trampling on toes everywhere. Blasting balls at the younger players and hitting kids with unexpected shoulders just because they've had the audacity to win a starting jersey.
6. The one who's falsely okay
Ah, it's not about him. Just go out and win. Very noble.
7. The one completely overcompensating
Determined to show the coach that you're going to take it well, you're the first at the cone, you're barking orders, encouraging lads, telling them they need to do better, and helping everyone get ready to go do the job - even without you. A real team player.
Piss off.
8. The snake
One by one, gathering the rest of the subs and asking them open-ended questions like: this is bullshit, isn't it? Might even venture into some players of the first team to ask their thoughts on such and such playing. A conspirator who's looking to start a verbal revolt rather just actually doing something about not starting.
9. The old-timer
Not starting but feels like it's a duty to gee everyone up. "Would love to be playing", but doesn't have that luxury anymore. Probably never played if truth be told but is enjoying the position of being an old head with experience now - even with little experience.
10. The one who takes it upon himself to warm-up on the sideline when someone f**ks up
Just to put the idea in the manager's head. They're not happy with whatever player right now so you might as well show them the other options they have. A loud, tactical unzipping of the jacket might provide a nudge in the right direction too.
11. The one who says he's injured when he's eventually asked to go on
That'll show him. That'll prove the manager wrong...Explore more on these topics: