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25th October 2018
04:50pm BST
Nets aren't for shooting into. The six-yard box isn't for 'keepers to trample all over. You're digging up the grass, for f**k's sake and it's your fault now that cages and cones are going to be brought in and tied to the posts to keep you out of that area.
2. Underage managers not letting their players play in the grade above
He's MY under-14.
3. Underage manager managing his own son
Every two years, he moves up - because he 'thinks it's best for the team to have that consistency'. Every two years, his son is given a prime position.
4. The parent
I was taking our under-16s for a few years and, after a championship semi-final win as the players walked from the changing rooms onto the bus - with the final coming up in 8 days time, the club's first final in nine years - a disgruntled parent whose son didn't play came up to me and said, "you need to get some of those lads game time."
This was in September - nine months into friendlies and pre-season competitions, blitzes and leagues. This was in September, with one game left.
5. Senior men v senior ladies
They got polo shirts and we didn't.
We need the pitch on Sunday.
Why do they get the gym all the time?
These issues will probably come to a head at the dinner dance if one team is successful and the other isn't. Or just in general passive aggressive Facebook posts.
6. The drink
The drink finds the best of them.
For every good player, he has a better older brother who never made the most of his talent.
7. The groundsman in general just
It's his pitch.
He'll ban all teams from playing on it when he wants. He'll cover it with sand when he wants. He'll erect blockages around the goalmouths, close the sports hall, and run up a bill without you even realising what just happened.
And he'll still have the most complaints in the monthly meeting.
8. Exams
Brats disappearing to study for three months because they can't part with six hours a week.
9. Manager's expenses
"We're paying for this shite?"
10. Sacking a manager
Everyone knows he should be ousted but nobody wants to do it. And definitely nobody wants to go looking for a new manager.
11. Who do I talk to to get this suspension overturned?
Was it videotaped? No? Good.
12. The referee
Who's the best person to send in to talk to the ref and ask him to change that red to two yellows?
13. Club membership
I'll bring it in on Tuesday.
14. Fixtures
F**king county. Your season was set in stone, it wasn't going to change this time round. It has.
Postponements, cancellations, refixes have made it clear that you should only take your holidays in December. Maybe.
Then paranoia sets in so much that you don't trust anyone - not even when a team postpones due to a death in the club. "Ack, Jesus, that's a tenuous link. Probably the groundsman's uncle's friend's cousin."
15. Where are the f**king under-16 balls?
Those things aren't cheap.
The only objective for the next game is to nick one or two of the opposition's balls. Bring along a minor solely for that purpose and get him onto the team bus as soon as his job is done.
16. Holidays
17. How many tickets have you sold?
18. AGM
A chance for everyone to air their grievances and bring all these topics under the microscope.
That's the fun part though. Then you have to go looking for underage managers to take teams, pressure senior players into under-8 jobs, you need to find a new secretary, treasurer and chairman.
The only years you actually have willing volunteers, it causes a split in the club.
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