31 counties lead calls for Brian Fenton suspension after sneeze controversy

This is satire. This is not real. This is completely made up.

You can't be running around sneezing all over the place and expect to get away with it. 31 different counties are believed to have sought the advice of senior counsel after learning of a discipline breach of a high-profile midfielder. Although unidentified as of yet, reliable reports are suggesting that a Dublin player has been named in the infraction and, whilst the counties who have come forward to offer evidence are still being counted, it is said that there are as many as 31 different boards forming an alliance to make the case. SportsJOE Satire has learned that the unsavoury incident took place during the Leinster semi-final clash between Westmeath and the All-Ireland champions; it has also been revealed that footage can prove retrospectively that Brian Fenton sneezed in open play, in plain sight of 33,000 people. Although the flashpoint wasn't dealt with at the time, the Dublin All-Star could be facing a ban if he is cited by the CCCCCC. The player would still be afforded due process and it is important to remember that he has the right to freedom of expression. However, if the sneeze was found to be in violation of rule 392.1 c, Fenton could be looking at a 62-week ban. Rule 392.1 c reads as follows:

Any player from, purporting to be from, or representing Dublin found to be striking an opponent, verbally abusing an opponent, touching an official, moving, looking up, or breathing shall be punished accordingly.

The punishment for such an offence is a minimum 62-week ban and a sneeze could fall under the category offence of 'breathing' but could yet be seen as a more severe form of 'breathing'. It is not known if it was intentional or involuntary. Pat Spillane has not been quoted as of yet but the Kerry legend is said to be rallying for an increase on the minimum suspension on the grounds that Fenton's act occurred without warning to either his opponents or fellow team mates, without proper coverage of the nasal area, and also owing to the umbrella offence known as, 'rub it up ye, ya jackeens'. The player would still be allowed to appeal to the CHCCCC and, if that failed, the Central Competition Control, Appeal, and Secondary Appeals Committee could be called upon. Outside of that and the DRA, it would finally be down to Joe Brolly's column to stop the suspension. Jim Gavin wasn't available for interview.