There ain't no bond like the gym partners' bond.
You're both in this together. You both know you're letting yourselves in for an hour of hell but hell is never that bad when you've someone beside you.
And after a few sessions together, you become a gains team and that's where it all starts.
You lift weights together, you remind each other why you came in the first place, you have a bit of craic, you sneer about the visible improvements you're both making, you eat together after, you stay together.
There's a shared goal there. There's a bond there.
You know when it's time to send that Snapchat, that text, that '7.45 this evening?'
And away you go. Into the gym, into the battlefield.
It's the same story, just a different day every time you pass the turnstiles and begin the pump.
And like a leopard never changes its spots, your gains buddy never changes their ways. Some of them would annoy a saint.
1. Gives help when it's not needed
For the love of God, you're here to make improvements. You didn't miss out on the Champions League last 16 tie of the round lightly. You've come here because you're bloody motivated to leave the place in better shape and feeling better than when you walked in the doors.
That means you're going to max out. Forget the pain, that's only temporary, you're hear for a reason.
You benched 70 Kg the last day and now you're up to 75. You're doing grand, too. 6 reps in, only two to go and you're not pumping as fast or as explosively but you can still do it. You have this and this is where you earn your crust.
Then your partner takes all the pressure off, lifts the bar up and nips your gains in the bud.
What the hell am I here for?
2. Puts you on Insta story when they should be spotting
Ah here. Now we look like one of those lads who goes to the gym once in a blue moon and broadcasts it every time we lift a finger. Jesus, lad, what happened to a bit of personal space, a bit of privacy.
And to top it all off, you moved up to an 80 Kg bench and you're struggling. Your buddy can't help you because he's pacing the gym, smiling to himself and thinking of a poll for his Instagram.
'Is he big? Yes, no' is his best effort and you're left in the doghouse.
Get your head in the game, will you?
3. Asks you to put them on your Instagram story
The worst ever.
4. Forces you to do less
'Ah lad, I'm still goosed after that match at the weekend. I'm as tight all over," he says as he puts on his shorts in the dressing room.
"Do you know what, I actually don't think I'll do much today. Might just go to the jacuzzi."
Left hanging. Now, everything's in a heap.
The hurler on the ditch is no good to you.
5. Chats to you before you're finished your reps
So there you are, grimacing, busting yourself squatting. Your under serious pressure, every last sinew of your body is under strain. Every breath you take hits you hard.
And then, Billy big balls without a clue asks you what you're cooking for dinner.
Jesus, could you not just wait a second, because on top of everything, you can't help but laugh at his ignorance.
6. Always trying to outdo you even though they're deluded
There's so much pride in this fella.
You're just after pumping a big set. 10 dumbbell curls with the 14 kg weight. You're gassed. You left it all out there.
But, partner has to do more. He gets the 16 and does two proper reps, bends his back to the floor for the next two and leaves it at that.
It's not the same.
7. Picking holes in your technique for everything
"You see, what you should be doing here is turning your hands this way. It makes all the difference for me.
"Actually can't believe you never did that before."
Ah get lost.
8. Protein scabbers
The lad who can never believe that he forgot his protein...again. But he does that every time and you're the one paying for it.
Asks you for a scoop, but the scoops of the golden stuff add up and you're queuing up in the local serious mass store with a box of Optimum Nutrition banana flavour before you know where you are.
And then when he gets home he sends you this Snapchat.
As Conor McGregor once said,
"You're only a juice head turkey, you little weasel, you!!"
9. Gym-goer on the ditch
Tells you they can't make it because of they're feeling a bit under the weather, but later on that night they've a Snapchat story up in the cinema with their girlfriend.
We have it tough.
You benched 70 Kg the last day and now you're up to 75. You're doing grand, too. 6 reps in, only two to go and you're not pumping as fast or as explosively but you can still do it. You have this and this is where you earn your crust.
Then your partner takes all the pressure off, lifts the bar up and nips your gains in the bud.
What the hell am I here for?
'Is he big? Yes, no' is his best effort and you're left in the doghouse.
Get your head in the game, will you?
