Giddy up.
The greatest race of the entire year is upon us.
The Aintree Grand National is one of those days when even your mother, who would struggle to tell Ruby Walsh from Louis Walsh, has a punt on the gee-gees.
You may even find her in your local bookies, scouring the pages of the Racing Post on the wall, as she seeks the biggest bang for her meagre stake of fifty cent (each-way) buck.
So with that in mind let us guide you through the five types of punters you may encounter on Grand National Saturday.
The Each-Way Weirdo.
Each ways bets are popular but really, what is the f**king point? Especially on Grand National day. Forty horses, and you won't even part with a fiver to win a possible fortune. Go big or go home.
Even the people behind the glass partition wince when they read e/w on a betting slip for the 5.15 at Aintree and say a silent prayer to Red Rum for strength.
For once in your life, can you at least pretend to be a stallion, and not a gelding, and lump on?
It might just be worth it. It will certainly be more value than just going halves on a 40/1 shot.
The Jockey Lover.
If the best jockey always won the Grand National, AP McCoy would not have retired with just one success to his name. Despite this anomaly, we can guarantee this conversation will be repeated throughout the country on Saturday morning.
Punter #1: "Who's Ruby on?"
Punter #2: “Sir Des Champs."
Punter #1: "Oh grand so, I'll stick a tenner on him."
Punter #2: "Why?
Punter #1: "Ah sure it's Ruby like, he's unreal."
Punter #2: "Yeah, but what about Leighton Aspell, he's won it the last two years? His horse is pretty good."
Punter #1: "Has he, oh I'm not sure now, everyone knows it's all about the jockey like. The horse is only secondary. I always go for the jockey, never lets me down. "
Punter #2: "You're an idiot."
The Once-A-Year Hopeful.
Likely to be your mother, sister, or the guy in accounts who sidles over to you with the look of a man who is obsessed with money, and this time, it's actually his to play with.
The text on Saturday morning comes across something like this:
The Professional
Betting on the day of the Grand National is for mugs, they will proudly tell you. This punter did their hard work last month, and maybe even last year. Why wait until there is just forty horses left when you can get better odds on 87 mounts?
He can reel off every Grand National Winner, Irish and English, of the last 20 years, and may even wear tweed underpants the week of the Aintree meeting just to properly get in the mood.
They will tell anyone who'll listen they were down in 'Willies' during the week, and that the Canadian hay has them flying.
Don't bother arguing with him either when his horse falls at Becher's Brook or The Chair.
Just stand proudly and be smug, now is your time to shine.
The Oddball.
The jockey’s silks, their star sign, the name of an old teacher, something they read in the Irish Times crossword, can all combine for the slightly odorous punter who bets based on their gut instinct.
And in some respects, it's the best way to approach the Grand National, that is if you a feckless fool happy to part with your money.
April brings out the Taureans, and as well as being bull-stubborn, they are also known as being bull-thick.
Taking advice from people who bet like this is like living your life via the Baz Luhrmann 'Sunscreen' song - it makes you smile, but it's just nonsense at the end of the day.
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