The seven ages of Cristiano Ronaldo.
The greatest player ever is 30 on Thursday.
Imagine the first day when you actually have to explain to someone who he was or what he did or just how darn good he was. That day will be equally as depressing as it will be exciting.
But stars don't shine brightly forever so you should appreciate their beauty while you can.
To celebrate our favourite son of Portugal, we're reliving his career on his milestone day and, to be honest, we're just making sure we are ready to tell his story when the dreaded time comes that it no longer tells itself.
Here are the seven ages of Cristiano Ronaldo's career.
1. The precocious teenager
We can't be sure that Father Ted is Cristiano's favourite show but we'd hazard a good guess that is. When we thought of his birthday, we naturally gravitated towards the Competition Time episode and the three ages of Elvis. Naturally.
Teenage Ronaldo was like the the young, enthusiastic, unaware Dougal version of Elvis. "One day in the 1950s, he created rock and roll."
One day in the noughties, Ronaldo created a thing called football. Well, he didn't actually create it but he made it look oh, so glorious. After the United players had urged Fergie to sign him up after their friendly in Lisbon, George Best had this to say on an 18-year-old talent:
"There have been a few players described as ‘the new George Best’ over the years, but this is the first time it's been a compliment to me."
Here he is making John O'Shea look like a "f**king clown" in a performance that Roy Keane said sealed the deal - the performance by O'Shea, that is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfgdUfDgCq8
2. The hated, cheating foreigner
He contributed to England's World Cup elimination so, if anything, we loved him all the more here. Ronaldo tried to leave United after wink-gate and the hate storm it cooked up though but, by God, it was probably his and Fergie's best ever moves in football... to not move.
The English were out in force looking for blood, looking for any old excuse that didn't involve any kind of self-evaluation and one that let them look to the Euros in two years time with their trademark unflappable confidence.
What people didn't speak about was that, for 63 minutes of that quarter final with Portugal, England were just England. They weren't dominating, the goal wasn't coming.
What people also didn't speak about was that Wayne Rooney thrust his studs into Ricardo Carvalho's private parts - but it must've been Ronaldo's fault because he protested. England were cheated out of it because Ronaldo winked. Not because Rooney stamped on someone's gonads.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFvZ389nsCE
Alan Shearer asks in this clip, "are we too honest?" What could be more honest than stamping on someone who's lying on the ground?
Not one mention of the three of the four penalties that the English missed in the shootout either. It was just all the more hilarious that Ronaldo scored the winner.
Nonetheless, Fergie convinced him to stay and silence the critics. Prove that he could live up to the number seven jersey at Old Trafford. Prove that he was a real man. It just so happens that he went on to prove he was superhuman.
3. The all-conquering Premier League star
Ted portrays the second age of Elvis with his 1968 comeback special.
Ronaldo's comeback from criticisms, personal attacks and a want-away attitude was something special. In fact, his decision to stay in Manchester was the making of him. Three seasons, three Premier League titles, a Champions League and 91 goals later and Cristiano Ronaldo had come of age.
He ripped through the football world like it was a shoddy piece of workmanship, like it was a shelf or a door already falling apart by its hinges on Craggy Island. He won his first Ballon d'Or - at least that's what it's called now - he started a trend that would see him in the UEFA Team of the Year for the last eight consecutive seasons and he joined Real Madrid in a world record-breaking transfer fee that looks like tuppence for his return nowadays.
Ronaldo's golden era began at United.
4. The Galactico
The best of them, the very best of them, struggle with what is known as the difficult second album. People set a bar too high too soon, to come flying out of the blocks and they sometimes fail to reach the heights again. Perhaps because they had just one good album in them in the first place.
Cristiano Ronaldo had no such problems. In fact, he laughs at this notion.
It was only fitting that he joined the elite white of Real Madrid.
In his sixth season now, he has established himself as the world's greatest player with his only competition to that throne being one Lionel Messi who will go down in the top two of all time with his Portuguese counterpart.
Ronnie scores more goals than he plays. He has perfected almost every facet of his game and he has won the last two Ballon d'Or awards as Madrid went on to clinch the Champions League last season. He is the ultimate Galactico - so much so that the pitch forks were out when Gareth Bale dared to not pass to him. Ronaldo is untouchable, on the field and off it.
5. The villain and the hero
Ronaldo was the victim of the greatest con on earth.
When Messi's camp fooled everyone into thinking he was this pure, humble, all-about-the-football team player. Cristiano - perhaps because he was better looking, more marketable, more in the media - was portrayed as the devil for a period. Lionel, meanwhile, became the anti-Ronaldo.
The Madrid forward was held up as almost a cautionary image, one that every young footballer should avoid. You don't want to become this selfish, preening ego-maniac. Messi was the polar opposite. The good guy. The football guy. Allegedly.
In time, the truth unraveled. The more the Argentine was exposed in the media, the more layers of his mask that began to peel away. People realised that Messi, too, had a high opinion of himself - of course he bloody did, he's Lionel Messi, for God's sake.
Pep Guardiola would tell you that he made his start to life as Barca's manager difficult, that he forced the boss's hand to play in the centre, that he pushed Ibrahimovic out the door. Guillem Balague would tell you that Messi was in trouble of going down the wrong path when he first entered the club's senior team. That he was running around with party boy Ronaldinho that, in fact, it wasn't all about the football.
Messi has let slip more and more that he's unhappy at certain things, that he thinks about leaving and this myth that Ronaldo was some kind of a monster slowly evaporated as Leo's own superstar reputation grew.
The first adjective Roy Keane (all genuflect) used to describe Ronaldo in that brilliant documentary, Keane and Vieira: Best of Enemies was attitude. "Great attitude."
Despite what some of his detractors would have you believe, Cristiano has worked damn hard - probably harder than anyone - to get to where he is. Jese Rodriguez summed it up perfectly:
"I remember the first time I went to Real Madrid's training. I got there two hours early to impress my coaches but when I reached the ground I saw Cristiano Ronaldo already training."
Ronaldo is a hero in his own right. He isn't a cautionary tale for aspiring professionals. He is an inspiration.
6. The loved good-guy figure that he is now
As much as we love Ronaldo, we'd still be very surprised if he is always the wholesome, loving, family man that he suddenly has become.
Guillem Balague spoke at an event in Derry last year about how he would love to do his next book on Cristiano but that the Portuguese star was undergoing an image transformation at the time.
Now, his son - as adorable as he is - is coming to his dad's embrace on camera a lot. Ronaldo - who we're sure is a genuine good guy - is being captured giving so much more time to random kids, his charity work is phenomenal but it's always publicised, he's being pictured with his mother, and generally just being a good guy in the public's eye. No-one has a problem with that, the influx of it all is just curious though.
7. Retirement
At 30, we reckon Ronaldo could dominate for another six years at least. He's powerful, fast, athletic but that isn't all that he's about. He's a fine player with a fine head on him and his passing, vision, and technical abilities even are probably sometimes overlooked because of what a specimen he is.
His retirement is a while away yet but here's the seventh age of Cristiano Ronaldo. Later life. Relax and enjoy yourself, Ronnie. You've kept yourself in good condition for long enough.
