Not these lads again.

Hand-passing drills to get going. Then kicking. A bit of backs and forwards and then into a match for ten minutes. You think it's all over. You thought wrong. 8 sprints over and back across the field, and you're well and truly boll*xed. Surely, that's the lot. You're keeling over, so tired that you can't even catch your breath to take a gulp of water. You actually want to feign injury, but you know you can't be a coward in front of the lads. Your name would be tarnished. It's a man's game, after all. One more sprint. Another one. The last one, he says and when you cross that metaphorical finishing tape the taste is sweeter than the finest steak you've ever tasted. In for the team-talk. The manager raves about this particular one being the sharpest session he's ever taken. He calls out one of the 25 to take the warm-down and stretches. Oh for the love of God, please don't tell us it's one of these lads.

1. Fitness instructor.

This guy, right? He makes a living off stretching. Given the opportunity to show off his vast, wide-ranging knowledge on the fitness industry, he will take you to town and back with a series of stretches that you've never even heard of before. It's good for the latissimus dorsi muscles says he. What in the name of God are those? It's as if he feels as though he's under pressure to justify his existence, and will have your head touching your heels and your arse up in the air in no time. Give us a break, will you? No he doesn't, he keeps you stretching for about 20 minutes.

2. Motivational speaker.

He just loves the sound of his own voice, does this lad. Down for ten on the left hamstring he says, but instead of counting he raves on about the next game, that this is the most talented group of players this club has ever seen, that we should all be going to the gym tomorrow, that it's now or never, that we need to get the drinks on board before the weekend. We know all of this. Then he pulls a few motivational quotes out of nowhere, "The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender." Ah stop lad.

3. The veteran.

'There was no stretching back in my day and I never got injured.' Stuck in his old ways, he's convinced that all the modern stretching and conditioning stuff is a waste of time. Starts off with the classic hamstring stretch, counts 1, 2, and switch it over. Moves it on to the quads fairly lively and then calls it a day. It's grand to get out early, but, Jesus, you pay the price in the morning. Bring back the fitness instructor.

4. The zero bullshit guy.

In fairness, this lad is the best trainer in the team and his mere presence ensures that nobody steps out of line during the session. Intensity and motivation are always high in his presence, but during the stretches, he could do with giving us a break, couldn't he? He doesn't understand that you can actually still perform your stretching routine while talking to the lad beside you. It's not prison we're in. It's just as important to have the team morale high and to have lads sparking off each other. Everyone's getting on fine, stretching well and then comes his arrival. "Lads shut up will ye, training isn't finished yet." Or if one of the lads counts a little bit quicker on his turn, he'll start giving out. He'll demand that every squad member roars in unison when doing that rotational shoulder stretch, and gets cross if you're not counting loud enough. Oh get over it.

5. Doesn't care about the weather.

Even if it's lashing rain this lad will keep you out on the pitch stretching your calves for ten seconds each turn. He'll do four repetitions as well. For some reason, it seems as if he's trying to prove that he'd go through hell and high water for the good of the team. It doesn't look as good when five lads are sitting out the Friday night session with a sore throat and a cold. The worst thing he does, though, is make you lie flat out on the wet ground in order to stretch your hamstrings. No bloody need.

6. Slow counter.

He counts to ten, but it takes him about 25 seconds to get there. Not sure if he lacks confidence in his counting ability, or he just loves stretching but he drags it out no end.

7. Unnecessary sprint-lover.

They've nailed it with the stretching. They kept it short, sweet, snappy and you feel loose and nimble. For some reason, he feels he has to follow the last few stretches with a series of runs that he refers to as strides. We've done our training, we've everything done, the last thing we need is to do some more running. It's not going to be any normal runs, either. He's going to demand that you stay in line, that you stop talking and that you run faster. Please, don't be that guy.