“People don’t know this”: Paralympic legend McKillop opens up on mental health struggles

A legend in every sense of the word.

By Ciaron Noble

Dr Michael McKillop MBE is one of the most decorated athletes in Irish sporting history. The middle-distance runner participated in four Paralympic Games, winning four gold medals in the T37 and T38 categories.

He lives with a mild form of cerebral palsy, a condition he was diagnosed with at two years and 10 months. It impacts him down the right side of his body, having a direct effect on his fine motor skills and muscle definition. As his wife describes it: “He has a flamingo leg!”

The now 35-year-old excelled in ‘able-bodied’ athletics winning Ulster and Northern Irish titles before going to his first Para National tournament at 15. He won nine world titles dominating 800 m and 1500 m races for well over a decade.

Speaking to SportsJOE, he explained how maximising the ability he did have and having a bit of a ‘chip on his shoulder’ helped the Irish Paralympic Hall of Famer adopt a winner’s mentality.

“I deliver keynote speeches and high-performance talks to businesses. One massive thing for businesses is their unique selling point,” he explained.

“My unique selling point is my difference; my disability. It didn’t matter if I was competing in able-bodied or para sport; my disability was what allowed me to become the person that I am. It tells my story and my journey.

“It made me special and better because I felt like I had to prove myself to so many people in able-bodied sport, even though I was now in para sport. I expected myself to perform in able-bodied sport to prove to people it didn’t matter about my disability.

“That chip on my shoulder helped me keep digging and digging,” he adds.

“Winning national cross-country titles able-bodied gave me the credibility that I wanted people to see. I wanted people to know I wasn’t messing around; just because I’m a para-athlete doesn’t mean I’m taking it easy.

“I was grafting as hard as any athlete; just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I let my standards drop, and I expect the same out of myself, just like any able-bodied athlete would at the Olympics.”

On the surface and at the age of 25, McKillop seemed to be at the peak of his powers; already a Paralympic champion at Beijing 2008 and London 2012, and one year out from more success at Rio 2016.

But in 2015 he had a breakdown, with his mental health hitting an all-time low.

Urging anyone to prioritise their mental health, he said, "People don’t know this, but I had an emergency meeting with Liam Harbison in the Carrickdale Hotel, probably two and a half months prior to 2012. I was in an absolute state; I wasn’t well, and he turned around to me and said,‘If you feel like you mentally and physically can’t go to that, don’t feel like you must go to 2012.’

“To think of all the amazing memories that came out of 2012, it just goes to show that mental health is a crazy thing; it can come and go, but it will always be there.

“It was dormant for such a long period of time, and it all came to a head in 2015; I just mentally couldn’t take any more.

“That moment in 2012 was an unfortunate moment because my parents just thought I was stressed and worried about competing, all things that come naturally with high-performance sport; they didn’t know about my mental health.

“Those were the first sort of signs that I was starting to lose control of my feelings and not knowing how to deal with those feelings in the right way.”

Now four years retired from the track, his life has changed drastically since Tokyo 2020. He has learnt to appreciate the disappointment of not winning a medal in Japan, acknowledging the legacy he has left behind and the next generation of runners he aspired to follow in his footsteps. His mindset has shifted over the years.

“Success was always medals to me,” he admitted.

“For me now, happiness and success come in so many different ways, and it took time. My goals, my ambitions, and my core values have all changed because my life has changed so much.

“I’m doing triathlons now, and my expectation of success is not to finish first… yet!! But for me initially it’s to be able to say I swam 750 metres in open water, I cycled 20k and I ran 5k. I’d never done that until about a year ago. That’s success; that’s progress."

McKillop and his wife, Nicole, have welcomed their first child, Donnacha. Staying at home to be a full-time dad, he is realising more than ever that success can be defined as so much more.

“I always said I’d like to have a kid, and all a sudden I have a child that is nearly two years old. That, to me, is success because it’s something I desired; it’s something I really wanted.

“To know that came true and that I have him and that he’ll always be mine. I hope to have an amazing life with him and bring him on a journey of his sporting life of what he wants to do; that’s amazing to me,” he added.

He also credited his wife for the sacrifices she made over the years for him to pursue his career.

“I’m giving back to my wife, who sacrificed her life for me at the time. She was a very successful actuary living and working in Dublin. She gave up her job to move back up north so I could train in the institute.

“She had successful times in Dublin, but she sacrificed that so I could chase my dreams, and she still does that today. She’s a selfless and supportive lady

“That’s what I’ve learnt from her, the fact that you have to make time for other people not just yourself and that for me is a massive learning curve.”